Gold Fish

It's been since August 26th since I last posted. Dang! Good news is that it's hot again after a mother of a winter here in the Mid Atlantic.

I went to GNC today to get some creatine and muscle milk. Somewhere along the line last night I decided it was time to get big. I've lost some weight, so that parts done, but I'd like to try just once in my life to get bigger. If I'm going to do it, nows the time. I'm sitting here working on the second half a bag of Goldfish crackers and they're delicious. I have dinner in an hour and somehow working out has fallen the wayside. Anyway, I got the stuff from GNC, so I have that going for me.

The smoking... like a friggin chimney. Much like my muscle building stuff, I do have a prescription to chantix on my desk somewhere... later.

8 Weeks, 5 Days

I wasn't sure how long it's been since my quit day until I came to visit my blog - which I don't even visit. I have this 'quit meter' on the bottom of the page and at the time of this posting it tells me it's been 8 weeks and 5 days. Basically the entire summer. This isn't to say I haven't had a few ciggy's here and there. Sometimes I can't help myself, but for the most part it's become pretty easy. About one month ago I knocked my Chantix dosage down to 1 pill per 24 hours rather than the 2. While the dreams are fun to write about, they're a friggin nightmare (no pun intended) to deal with. I'm still having some fairly vivid dreams, but nothing I can remember enough of to write about. Makes for a pretty disappointing blog. I think I need some new subject matter...

It's been a while

Hey you - I know you look for updates every day since you're pretty bored at work - sorry I haven't had any for a while.

So, technically it's been about 5 weeks since I quit. Since that point, I have owned 2 packs of cigarettes and had been sneaking them here and there. It's definitely been 10 days since I've had a smoke - so I'm pretty happy about that. It feels good. I have developed a cough in the last two weeks that is beyond annoying. I did some research and found out that there are these little hairs in your lungs that help move dust and debris out. Turns out smoking kills these little guys (which is why smokers are prone to asthma and getting sick more often, makes sense). Now they are trying to grow back and my lungs are welcoming them by making me cough like I have the plague. Good times, good times.

The dreams haven't really subsided, but I am having a much harder time remembering them. They are mostly filled with the same themes - I can't get places I need to get and I can't find things I need to find. Last night was a little easier to remember since they were so strange. I've also cut my chantix dosage back to once a day for now as I get the feeling it's really f'ing my head up. Don't worry, I checked with my doc and he said to give it a whirl. This may be the reason the dream machine has dialed down.

August 4 -

I'm sharing an apartment with a bunch of people. We have this giant fish tank with all sorts of crazy fish. It's really the focus of our lives - making sure it's perfect and the fish are happy. We had neon tetras, lots of them. For whatever reason, they had morphed into a new being that was living out of water. They basically turned into donut sized jelly fish that were glowing in the dark. They floated all over the apartment. So every day, we had to try to push them out the front door and every day they'd find their way back. That was pretty much it.

I also had a pretty dirty dream as well -but don't worry, it was about you and it was hot :)

Going Up

Holy freaking elevator dreams. Everywhere I went in my odd string of dreams last night required some death defying elevator rides. I looked it up and according to the dream editor of a site dedicated to women, "Rising in an elevator may indicate feelings of progress or an ascent that is unencumbered. Since elevators are machines that move with practically no effort on our part (other than pressing a button) the progress being made may feel relatively easy. This progress may be physical, mental, or spiritual." I don't know about all that. Especially because the majority of the elevators I was in were just barely functioning.

July 14 -

I'm in New York City for a conference. Oddly, I'm sharing this very large guestroom with my sister who is out and about. It's late and I'm to meet a female coworker for a late drink down at the lobby bar. As I'm getting ready to head out, I suddenly come into the possession of a pet squirrel. He had a name, like Rodney or something, but I can't remember. This thing is a huge pain in the ass. He's completely unruly but for the most part understands commands much like a dog would. I have to leave him in the room, my sister isn't back yet and she's not going to like this, and the girl I'm meeting keeps calling because she's ready to go. I have her over to the room to meet the squirrel. Not sure who the girl was, but she's very attractive. Right about that time my sister gets back and there's this awkward exchange of looks between the three of us. I tell her about the squirrel and she flips. The drinking companion rolls out and me and my sister try to deal with this unruly squirrel. I had to roll out, so I left.

I can't find this bar. Next thing I know, I'm all over Manhattan looking for this bar and it's just not happening. Each building I go in requires a ride in a rickety old elevator with half the buttons broken, doors that won't close, etc. I spent the remainder of the dream having very odd run-in's with New Yorkers. I wish I could remember a few of them.

July 14 -

It's Thanksgiving and the family dinner I'm going to is on the 60th floor of some really old NYC building. The elevator is so small that it barley fits two people. If you've ever been to the St. Louis Arch and rode to the top, it was like that, except it had the extra added bonus of being on the outside of the building with old glass windows that rattled as it jerked along the outside of the building. I'm terrified to be in this thing. It's stopping and starting and you can hear things creaking and cracking. About half way up the thing turns into a Wonkavator and cuts through the inside of the building. Random stop - there's a swimming pool, outside, that goes around the perimeter of the building. It's like an infinity pool, except over the edge is about 30 floors down. Hundreds of kids in there, strange. Back to the wonkevator and I head out the other side of the building to take on the next 30 floors just like the first 30. I recall being claustrophobic, sweating like a dancing mule, and otherwise just barely able to hold my shit together. I finally get up there and I'm on the wrong floor which requires me to go all the way to the bottom and try again. Repeat this for about three hours and that was my night - with some variations of terror each time, of course, one of which had birds smashing into the glass, beaks half through the glass a la Alfred Hitchcock style.

Memory

The dreams have been slow lately. My mind must be adjusting to the chantix at this point. The cravings are basically gone, but I'm still 'cued' to smoke at certain times. I'm working hard at it for sure.

I think my brain was saving all it's energy for last night. This dream has pretty much put me in a really funky mood this morning. It was so vivid and so emotional... I'm having trouble detaching from it. I think I need to go for a run at lunch to clear my head. Be prepared, my only reader, it may make you cry:


July 13 -

I woke up on the beach. My wife was there. I cried when I saw her because I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I hadn't seen her in forever. She just stared at me, stoic. She seemed much older now. I had this strange feeling of remembering all sorts of things that had just recently happened. I definitely remembered the accident. We were driving back from a party. We were arguing about something when out of nowhere this car just started knocking people off the road. I swerved to get out of the way but it was too late. We went smashing into all sorts of other cars. I remember the windows shattering on both sides of the car. I thought we were okay. She got out on her side and I got out on mine. I felt dizzy. The airbags definitely didn't go off like they should have. I remember running around to see if my wife was okay and when she nodded yes, I remember the ground coming up on me fast, I was passing out. I was badly injured. I remember the warmth of the blood creeping over the side of my face, then nothing.

I asked her about the accident and she seemed annoyed. I couldn't figure out why. I started asking more questions and she began to cry. I figured it out. That had been 11 years ago and I had been living my life with absolutely no memory of anything since the accident. We were living at the beach as she needed to be near the family to help care for me. I held her hand and we walked down from the beach back towards town. It was summer and people where everywhere. I asked her why I was asleep on the beach and she told me that the waves calm me down and it's usually the only time I sleep. She takes me up there every afternoon when she gets home from work. She reads and I sleep. I don’t ever talk, ever. I kept asking questions as we crossed the street into the neighborhoods. This had happened twice before. The last time was five years ago. I suddenly remembered things and I was coherent. Then as fast as it came, it was gone. I don't remember that.

As we walked, I started seeing familiar faces and each one would overwhelm my senses with memories and I'd start to cry. Most of the people were so shocked to see me crying that they, too, became overwhelmed. It wasn't long before word got out that I was 'back'. We walked to her parents house, I held her hand for dear life. I hadn't seen 4th ave in what felt like 100 years. The house was twice the size it was before. When we got up to the door, this beautiful young girl threw the door open - it was my niece and I hadn't seen her since she was a toddler. I couldn't take the emotions and had to run away, my wife chasing me down to calm me.

This went on for hours as she filled me in on things that had happened in my life and around the world. My grandma passed about a year after the accident which made me sad. The worst news was that my dad passed about two years ago. My parents had a tough time after the accident and she said my mom hadn't been the same since. My dad passing was the straw that broke the camels back and my mom had a breakdown about a year ago and was living with my sister. I had to see them. My wife wanted to wait to see if my new found memory stayed or went away like last time. She said that the last time this happened my mom and dad jumped in a car to come see me, but by the time they got here I was back to my old, no memory self. She didn't want my mom to go through that again.

I spent the rest of the day walking with my wife, seeing people that I hadn't seen in over a decade. Hugging them and kissing them. We had a nice dinner with the family and snuggled up into bed together. We laid there kissing and crying, afraid that this would once again end. My wife drifted off to sleep in my arms... and that's all I remember.

Actually, I just remembered one

We were having a cookout with a few people before a wedding we had to go to. Matisyahu showed up and I had to go out and buy kosher hot dogs. There was more to it, I just don't remember.

I got nada

I haven't been here in a while, I know. Let's be honest though, it's really just you and me reading this. The no smoking is going well. I work from home which has always been tough. I can just smoke whenever I feel like it. Those cravings are gone and I generally avoid the back porch as that's my 'spot'. We were up at the beach over July 4th and I did ok. I did buy a pack which lasted the entire four days we were there. I honestly consider that a bit of a victory. This week has been pretty good too... one slip up on Wednesday night. Walked into a smoky bar and that was it, I had to have one. It was pretty damn good.

The chantix is totally doing it's thing though I must say I feel a little different than usual. I told my wife to keep an eye on me - they keep talking about these side effects.

As for the dreams - nothing noteworthy. In fact, I've been using a breathright strip on my snoot for the past three nights and I've never slept so well. I don’t remember a damn thing which is wild. So, no updates there.

Have a great weekend... I'll check in at some point.

G