Memory

The dreams have been slow lately. My mind must be adjusting to the chantix at this point. The cravings are basically gone, but I'm still 'cued' to smoke at certain times. I'm working hard at it for sure.

I think my brain was saving all it's energy for last night. This dream has pretty much put me in a really funky mood this morning. It was so vivid and so emotional... I'm having trouble detaching from it. I think I need to go for a run at lunch to clear my head. Be prepared, my only reader, it may make you cry:


July 13 -

I woke up on the beach. My wife was there. I cried when I saw her because I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I hadn't seen her in forever. She just stared at me, stoic. She seemed much older now. I had this strange feeling of remembering all sorts of things that had just recently happened. I definitely remembered the accident. We were driving back from a party. We were arguing about something when out of nowhere this car just started knocking people off the road. I swerved to get out of the way but it was too late. We went smashing into all sorts of other cars. I remember the windows shattering on both sides of the car. I thought we were okay. She got out on her side and I got out on mine. I felt dizzy. The airbags definitely didn't go off like they should have. I remember running around to see if my wife was okay and when she nodded yes, I remember the ground coming up on me fast, I was passing out. I was badly injured. I remember the warmth of the blood creeping over the side of my face, then nothing.

I asked her about the accident and she seemed annoyed. I couldn't figure out why. I started asking more questions and she began to cry. I figured it out. That had been 11 years ago and I had been living my life with absolutely no memory of anything since the accident. We were living at the beach as she needed to be near the family to help care for me. I held her hand and we walked down from the beach back towards town. It was summer and people where everywhere. I asked her why I was asleep on the beach and she told me that the waves calm me down and it's usually the only time I sleep. She takes me up there every afternoon when she gets home from work. She reads and I sleep. I don’t ever talk, ever. I kept asking questions as we crossed the street into the neighborhoods. This had happened twice before. The last time was five years ago. I suddenly remembered things and I was coherent. Then as fast as it came, it was gone. I don't remember that.

As we walked, I started seeing familiar faces and each one would overwhelm my senses with memories and I'd start to cry. Most of the people were so shocked to see me crying that they, too, became overwhelmed. It wasn't long before word got out that I was 'back'. We walked to her parents house, I held her hand for dear life. I hadn't seen 4th ave in what felt like 100 years. The house was twice the size it was before. When we got up to the door, this beautiful young girl threw the door open - it was my niece and I hadn't seen her since she was a toddler. I couldn't take the emotions and had to run away, my wife chasing me down to calm me.

This went on for hours as she filled me in on things that had happened in my life and around the world. My grandma passed about a year after the accident which made me sad. The worst news was that my dad passed about two years ago. My parents had a tough time after the accident and she said my mom hadn't been the same since. My dad passing was the straw that broke the camels back and my mom had a breakdown about a year ago and was living with my sister. I had to see them. My wife wanted to wait to see if my new found memory stayed or went away like last time. She said that the last time this happened my mom and dad jumped in a car to come see me, but by the time they got here I was back to my old, no memory self. She didn't want my mom to go through that again.

I spent the rest of the day walking with my wife, seeing people that I hadn't seen in over a decade. Hugging them and kissing them. We had a nice dinner with the family and snuggled up into bed together. We laid there kissing and crying, afraid that this would once again end. My wife drifted off to sleep in my arms... and that's all I remember.