Going Up

Holy freaking elevator dreams. Everywhere I went in my odd string of dreams last night required some death defying elevator rides. I looked it up and according to the dream editor of a site dedicated to women, "Rising in an elevator may indicate feelings of progress or an ascent that is unencumbered. Since elevators are machines that move with practically no effort on our part (other than pressing a button) the progress being made may feel relatively easy. This progress may be physical, mental, or spiritual." I don't know about all that. Especially because the majority of the elevators I was in were just barely functioning.

July 14 -

I'm in New York City for a conference. Oddly, I'm sharing this very large guestroom with my sister who is out and about. It's late and I'm to meet a female coworker for a late drink down at the lobby bar. As I'm getting ready to head out, I suddenly come into the possession of a pet squirrel. He had a name, like Rodney or something, but I can't remember. This thing is a huge pain in the ass. He's completely unruly but for the most part understands commands much like a dog would. I have to leave him in the room, my sister isn't back yet and she's not going to like this, and the girl I'm meeting keeps calling because she's ready to go. I have her over to the room to meet the squirrel. Not sure who the girl was, but she's very attractive. Right about that time my sister gets back and there's this awkward exchange of looks between the three of us. I tell her about the squirrel and she flips. The drinking companion rolls out and me and my sister try to deal with this unruly squirrel. I had to roll out, so I left.

I can't find this bar. Next thing I know, I'm all over Manhattan looking for this bar and it's just not happening. Each building I go in requires a ride in a rickety old elevator with half the buttons broken, doors that won't close, etc. I spent the remainder of the dream having very odd run-in's with New Yorkers. I wish I could remember a few of them.

July 14 -

It's Thanksgiving and the family dinner I'm going to is on the 60th floor of some really old NYC building. The elevator is so small that it barley fits two people. If you've ever been to the St. Louis Arch and rode to the top, it was like that, except it had the extra added bonus of being on the outside of the building with old glass windows that rattled as it jerked along the outside of the building. I'm terrified to be in this thing. It's stopping and starting and you can hear things creaking and cracking. About half way up the thing turns into a Wonkavator and cuts through the inside of the building. Random stop - there's a swimming pool, outside, that goes around the perimeter of the building. It's like an infinity pool, except over the edge is about 30 floors down. Hundreds of kids in there, strange. Back to the wonkevator and I head out the other side of the building to take on the next 30 floors just like the first 30. I recall being claustrophobic, sweating like a dancing mule, and otherwise just barely able to hold my shit together. I finally get up there and I'm on the wrong floor which requires me to go all the way to the bottom and try again. Repeat this for about three hours and that was my night - with some variations of terror each time, of course, one of which had birds smashing into the glass, beaks half through the glass a la Alfred Hitchcock style.

Memory

The dreams have been slow lately. My mind must be adjusting to the chantix at this point. The cravings are basically gone, but I'm still 'cued' to smoke at certain times. I'm working hard at it for sure.

I think my brain was saving all it's energy for last night. This dream has pretty much put me in a really funky mood this morning. It was so vivid and so emotional... I'm having trouble detaching from it. I think I need to go for a run at lunch to clear my head. Be prepared, my only reader, it may make you cry:


July 13 -

I woke up on the beach. My wife was there. I cried when I saw her because I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I hadn't seen her in forever. She just stared at me, stoic. She seemed much older now. I had this strange feeling of remembering all sorts of things that had just recently happened. I definitely remembered the accident. We were driving back from a party. We were arguing about something when out of nowhere this car just started knocking people off the road. I swerved to get out of the way but it was too late. We went smashing into all sorts of other cars. I remember the windows shattering on both sides of the car. I thought we were okay. She got out on her side and I got out on mine. I felt dizzy. The airbags definitely didn't go off like they should have. I remember running around to see if my wife was okay and when she nodded yes, I remember the ground coming up on me fast, I was passing out. I was badly injured. I remember the warmth of the blood creeping over the side of my face, then nothing.

I asked her about the accident and she seemed annoyed. I couldn't figure out why. I started asking more questions and she began to cry. I figured it out. That had been 11 years ago and I had been living my life with absolutely no memory of anything since the accident. We were living at the beach as she needed to be near the family to help care for me. I held her hand and we walked down from the beach back towards town. It was summer and people where everywhere. I asked her why I was asleep on the beach and she told me that the waves calm me down and it's usually the only time I sleep. She takes me up there every afternoon when she gets home from work. She reads and I sleep. I don’t ever talk, ever. I kept asking questions as we crossed the street into the neighborhoods. This had happened twice before. The last time was five years ago. I suddenly remembered things and I was coherent. Then as fast as it came, it was gone. I don't remember that.

As we walked, I started seeing familiar faces and each one would overwhelm my senses with memories and I'd start to cry. Most of the people were so shocked to see me crying that they, too, became overwhelmed. It wasn't long before word got out that I was 'back'. We walked to her parents house, I held her hand for dear life. I hadn't seen 4th ave in what felt like 100 years. The house was twice the size it was before. When we got up to the door, this beautiful young girl threw the door open - it was my niece and I hadn't seen her since she was a toddler. I couldn't take the emotions and had to run away, my wife chasing me down to calm me.

This went on for hours as she filled me in on things that had happened in my life and around the world. My grandma passed about a year after the accident which made me sad. The worst news was that my dad passed about two years ago. My parents had a tough time after the accident and she said my mom hadn't been the same since. My dad passing was the straw that broke the camels back and my mom had a breakdown about a year ago and was living with my sister. I had to see them. My wife wanted to wait to see if my new found memory stayed or went away like last time. She said that the last time this happened my mom and dad jumped in a car to come see me, but by the time they got here I was back to my old, no memory self. She didn't want my mom to go through that again.

I spent the rest of the day walking with my wife, seeing people that I hadn't seen in over a decade. Hugging them and kissing them. We had a nice dinner with the family and snuggled up into bed together. We laid there kissing and crying, afraid that this would once again end. My wife drifted off to sleep in my arms... and that's all I remember.

Actually, I just remembered one

We were having a cookout with a few people before a wedding we had to go to. Matisyahu showed up and I had to go out and buy kosher hot dogs. There was more to it, I just don't remember.

I got nada

I haven't been here in a while, I know. Let's be honest though, it's really just you and me reading this. The no smoking is going well. I work from home which has always been tough. I can just smoke whenever I feel like it. Those cravings are gone and I generally avoid the back porch as that's my 'spot'. We were up at the beach over July 4th and I did ok. I did buy a pack which lasted the entire four days we were there. I honestly consider that a bit of a victory. This week has been pretty good too... one slip up on Wednesday night. Walked into a smoky bar and that was it, I had to have one. It was pretty damn good.

The chantix is totally doing it's thing though I must say I feel a little different than usual. I told my wife to keep an eye on me - they keep talking about these side effects.

As for the dreams - nothing noteworthy. In fact, I've been using a breathright strip on my snoot for the past three nights and I've never slept so well. I don’t remember a damn thing which is wild. So, no updates there.

Have a great weekend... I'll check in at some point.

G

Blah

Just had a ciggy. Was out too long and didn't get my meds as early as I'd like. Had some drinks with friends... have a few ciggys in the house... bad move I think. Mom called late - called her back... she didn't get the job. Both my parents out of work for a looooong time now. She said 'not sure how I'm going to pay the bills'. Never heard that.

You want to feel old? Watch your parents feel vulnerable. The indestructible duo of my youth... wondering how to pay bills. Ugh. Second mortgage city I imagine... not the place to be in the fall of your life. They're strong, they'll be fine. Right?

Late night stress with a late night dose of Chantix - and two ciggy's. That's right - 2. The second I post this, I'm going for another. Later...

Sleepy Sleepy where art thou?

What a night. I woke up at 130 to pee and noticed the dog was gone. That's strange. She's usually the first asleep and the last awake. I checked my office thinking perhaps I had accidentally kicked her out of bed. Not there. I went downstairs to find her on the floor in the living room, panting. She bolted to the door when she saw me. Here we go again. So we ran outside where she took a decent size pee and a poop that made her proud. I can't believe she didn't wake me up! Okay, so crisis averted and we head back to bed around 200.

I'm startled at 330 to a very low helicopter flying above the house. As the crow flies, we're less than 3 miles from The Pentagon, so helicopters flying over are as common as birds flying over. No big deal. It's rare that they do it in the middle of the night, however, and certainly never that low as they do their best not to piss the neighborhoods off. So I listen, and I feel it go over, and I can actually see it out the window from my bed. Damn that is low I thought. I close my eyes and try to drift off to sleep again to get back on the Casino Train (see below) I was having so much fun on. About 2 minutes later, another one flies over, feels even lower than the last. I'm talking less than 250 feet low. Jesus! 2 minutes later another... then another... okay, so I'm right in the middle of 'we're being attacked and we're at war in the middle of the night' and 'this Chantix is seriously screwing with my head'. Around this time my wife even rolls over to see what's going on - and that woman could sleep through a fireworks show. I finally have to get up to see what's going on... it's the local police (I suspect) and they are looking for someone in our neighborhood with one of those giant lights. Turns out it was one chopper, not multiple, and he was using our roof as his perimeter. This shit went on until almost 530. I could not sleep through it as hard as I tried. I contemplated helping them look just to end it.

July 2 -

I'm on a train with my wife, very bored, I go wandering around. Oddly enough I found the casino car! What a find on a long boring train ride! They have two different games and I don't recognize either of them. It's a strange setup. You have to put your cash into a machine that takes it and tell the guy behind the counter what you want to do. I post up at what I believe is the blackjack machine. Put in 50 bucks and promptly realize it's not blackjack at all and start losing money. At that very moment, my bro-in-law, Ryan, enters the car and I waive him over. This kid has the Midas Touch with gambling and instantly makes me a few hundred dollars off my bet. We move to the other 'machine' and start playing something else - another game I have no idea what it is - Ryan start making a fortune. It was good times.

A few minutes later I find myself in the water slide car. There's a wading pool and a this odd slide that uses water jets to shoot you around in a big circle. It was a blast! I was enjoying it just fine when suddenly a bachelorette party came in to join the fun. Naturally, it's the ugliest bachelorette party I've ever seen in my life. The bride to be jumps in the slide and she's wearing a purple ballerina outfit and all her junk his hanging out. I left.

July 2 -

I'm in the middle east in some sort of military capacity. I have this friggin giant pistol (a reoccurring theme), but I can mostly handle it this time. My job is to take photos and document some of the things going on. My pistol comes with all these different attachments. One of them is a silencer, cool. The other is a camera attachment. So basically, I slap this camera attachment on the front and I literally point and shoot. So we're on this mission looking for some combatants and it's my job to take the pictures. I toss the camera attachment on there and find myself in some underground cave thing with an entire platoon. They find one of the guys they're looking for so naturally I want to take pictures. I raise my camera gun, point it at our guys, and shoot! Turns out camera gun, while taking pictures, also shoots bullets. I don’t remember much, I don't think I killed anyone, but I remember that not going well at all.

Buffet Bonanza

A peaceful nights rest. Ahhhh. So basically, if this material starts to get boring, I'll just take the meds late at night. I took them around 7 and was in in bed by 11. Asleep by 11:02. I remember waking myself up snoring which was interesting. Must be so sexy for my wife!

The quitting is going well. Chantix really does it. If I have a craving, I try to ignore it and three hours later I remember that I wanted a ciggy. This weekend at the shore should really be my proving grounds.

Many of my dreams revolved around food and I woke up starving which might explain the hot dog with relish and mustard I devoured around 815 this morning. Here are two I recall:

July 1 -

I was at a buffet at a resort somewhere. I was dining alone and surrounded by Asian businessmen. I was absolutely starving. You could only make one trip to the buffet and all they had were little tiny plates. I piled so much stuff on my plate it must have been four feet high. The Asian businessmen were marveling at my balancing ability and clapping for me... I started to put on a show for them and moments later toppled my only chance at dinner onto the ground. They all laughed and I walked away hungry.

July 1 -

Again at a resort, I was fishing this time. Trolling in some strange lake with a local. My first catch was some sort of crocodile. It was small, maybe 3 feet long. I wasn't touching it. The local guy had me bring it on the boat so he could get the hook out and release it. As he pulled the hook out, the croc latched right onto his face and really screwed him up. I was trying to pull it off his face and I remember him screaming not to pull. Instead he told me to tickle it, which I did and it promptly released and scurried off into the water. Dude was missing his nose but he seemed fine, so I didn't tell him. Later in this same dream I was at the resort and had become friendly with a couple on their honeymoon. They had come across some weed and were trying to get me to partake. I finally did and just as it set in that I was very messed up, a category 4 hurricane hit the island and we all had to scramble. As usual, I could not find a safe place to hide.

It wasn’t particularly scary, just strange.